it was like eating out sand paper
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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