my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize