There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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