it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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