maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
