Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
