I think I won the penis lottery.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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