I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
