they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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