hotel room ftw
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
