Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I need to calm my uterus...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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