on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
