fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
