i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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