I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
