My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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