so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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