dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
