Kiss
Puke
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
This is the high leading the old right now
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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