I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
