i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
