If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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