he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
