i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
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