I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
