you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
