You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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