Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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