I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
