Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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