I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
