saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The uberlube is also flammable
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
