my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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