There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
