Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
