in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
