We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
