i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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