Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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