my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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