So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
