Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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