I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
