Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
