I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize