if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
