Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You left your phone here
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