if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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