I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
