my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I AM VODKA MAN
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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