I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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