dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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