maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize