Only a mothe r could love this liver
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
