she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize