I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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