We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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