So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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