Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
