i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
