True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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