Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
