no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Randomize
