so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I met the friendliest cop last night
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
